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Thread: Tis the season (humor)

  1. #1
    CORE 5718 mattclary's Avatar
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    Tis the season (humor)

    A Vegetarian Christmas Story

    ============================

    Why I'm a Vegetarian, by A. Whitney Brown



    I'm a vegetarian, alright, but not because I love animals; it's more

    because I hate plants. I like to eat them whenever I can. But I reserve

    a special contempt for house plants, the Uncle Toms of the vegetable

    Kingdom, with their incessant drooping and whining for water. What do

    they think, I'm made of water?



    Like any omnivorous primate, I still have those primitive hunting

    instincts, but I don't go out deer hunting anymore like I did growing up

    in Michigan. It frightens people here in New York City. What I do

    instead is go out and cut down my own Christmas tree. I got a 78

    pointer last year. Stalked him for hours and finally surprised him in a

    clearing. He was just standing there...growing. Throwing out oxygen

    like he owned the **** planet and all the air around it. Oh, he was a

    clever little fir. I'm sure he thought he'd be safe there in front of

    the courthouse. But I hacked him to the ground and strapped him to the

    hood of my car.



    When I got him home, I discovered that he was still alive! I know the

    sportsmanlike thing to do would have been to put him out of his misery,

    but - 'twas the season to be jolly...so I thought I'd have a little fun

    with him first. I put him in water -to make sure he didn't die too

    quickly. Wouldn't want that, would we? Then I drilled thumbscrews into

    his little trunk...just to help him stand up straight, you

    understand... Put him right in the living room where the entire family

    could enjoy his agony - and then I dressed him up like an idiot.

    Strings of cheap tinsel and stupid looking balls all over his branches -

    total humiliation. Just to be fair, I even left the door open - said to

    him "Go ahead, make a break for it! You're going to blend right in out

    there in the bush with that junk hanging off you." And, the whole

    family piled presents at his feet. Just for a tease, I told him they

    were his...



    And while the rest of us celebrated the birthday of the Prince of Peace,

    he withered and died in my living room, leaving behind as one final gift

    to the lumbering race, the sweet scent of his corpse, in the air he had

    helped to create. Later, I ditched him in my neighbor's yard.

  2. #2
    Thinking Different Member dmg3d's Avatar
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    LOL... great article Matt... I've always liked A. Whitney Brown's "reports" on SNL. His wry sense of humor...

    -Dave

  3. #3
    undisregistered member
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    hahahahaha- that is cool

  4. #4
    Needs More Cowbell!! sidetrak's Avatar
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    heh, i dont think im old enough to have seen him on snl but that is funny
    "sometimes i think that the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."

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