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mattclary
12-08-2004, 04:33 AM
A Vegetarian Christmas Story

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Why I'm a Vegetarian, by A. Whitney Brown



I'm a vegetarian, alright, but not because I love animals; it's more

because I hate plants. I like to eat them whenever I can. But I reserve

a special contempt for house plants, the Uncle Toms of the vegetable

Kingdom, with their incessant drooping and whining for water. What do

they think, I'm made of water?



Like any omnivorous primate, I still have those primitive hunting

instincts, but I don't go out deer hunting anymore like I did growing up

in Michigan. It frightens people here in New York City. What I do

instead is go out and cut down my own Christmas tree. I got a 78

pointer last year. Stalked him for hours and finally surprised him in a

clearing. He was just standing there...growing. Throwing out oxygen

like he owned the **** planet and all the air around it. Oh, he was a

clever little fir. I'm sure he thought he'd be safe there in front of

the courthouse. But I hacked him to the ground and strapped him to the

hood of my car.



When I got him home, I discovered that he was still alive! I know the

sportsmanlike thing to do would have been to put him out of his misery,

but - 'twas the season to be jolly...so I thought I'd have a little fun

with him first. I put him in water -to make sure he didn't die too

quickly. Wouldn't want that, would we? Then I drilled thumbscrews into

his little trunk...just to help him stand up straight, you

understand... Put him right in the living room where the entire family

could enjoy his agony - and then I dressed him up like an idiot.

Strings of cheap tinsel and stupid looking balls all over his branches -

total humiliation. Just to be fair, I even left the door open - said to

him "Go ahead, make a break for it! You're going to blend right in out

there in the bush with that junk hanging off you." And, the whole

family piled presents at his feet. Just for a tease, I told him they

were his...



And while the rest of us celebrated the birthday of the Prince of Peace,

he withered and died in my living room, leaving behind as one final gift

to the lumbering race, the sweet scent of his corpse, in the air he had

helped to create. Later, I ditched him in my neighbor's yard.

dmg3d
12-08-2004, 07:45 AM
LOL... great article Matt... I've always liked A. Whitney Brown's "reports" on SNL. His wry sense of humor...

-Dave

nerdyguy227
12-08-2004, 07:20 PM
:) hahahahaha- that is cool

sidetrak
12-10-2004, 09:09 PM
heh, i dont think im old enough to have seen him on snl but that is funny