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Prosprctor
04-08-2003, 10:10 AM
To make life seem worthwile:D
I'll start.....

(the male author was responding to a woman who
accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell,we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what
were aiming for.

Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now
is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go
into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet,and his penis will still manage to piss all over
the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.

I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained.
I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am
required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small
price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at
night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the
toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in
my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy,
I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you
ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter
how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend
you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to
piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you
women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to
use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to
control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that
damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy
thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then
that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the
wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get
it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee
shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the
top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs
down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over
the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance,and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature,
... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

Epita
04-09-2003, 02:06 PM
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...(repeat)

Im glad im me

Epita

Nigel
04-09-2003, 06:18 PM
Originally posted by Oliver
Benefits of Being Female

Ollie, are you female? :confused:


Or is this one of those -hot blonde chick- from behind, -burley unshaven git- from the front situations? :)

All in good fun :)

hehe Prospector, I had tears streaming down my face with that one :) ... the frightening thing is, it's soooo relevant to life as a male :)

Rory_L
04-09-2003, 08:23 PM
Me too: I`m still weeping with suppressed laughter! (I`m supposed to be working! :D )

R

Prosprctor
04-10-2003, 01:27 PM
HE HE
good ones Oliver
Cept the one about the video games..
Lara Croft is the perfect woman !!!!!!!

ecliptic87
04-10-2003, 03:18 PM
Alright you guys and gals, I don't know were I heard this one, but I thought it was pretty good.

OK. Two men apply for the same job. Amazingly they have the same exact resumes for educational and work experience(bear with me).
Now the interviewer can't decide who to pick so he decides whoever can create the best rhyme with the word "Timbuktu" in it gets the job.
The first guy thinks a minute and then says
"With the sand so hot and the sky so blue
destination Timbuktu."
The second guy was begining to get desperate so in his thinking he thought of last weekends fishing trip with his buddy. At last he says
"Me and Tim a fishing went,
Saw three women in a tent,
Them being three and us being two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu."

ted
04-10-2003, 03:49 PM
So who got the job?:p

It's nice to just laugh once in a while! Thanks.

ecliptic87
04-10-2003, 04:24 PM
I honestly never was told who got the job.

Prosprctor
04-10-2003, 06:09 PM
:D good one ecliptic87

ecliptic87
04-10-2003, 11:33 PM
Here's another one

Warning the is a polock joke. If you are offended in any way, Too Bad. I'm 1/3 Polish, 1/3 Native American, and 1/3 English so I can make fun of my own ancestry.

There is a black guy, an english guy and a polock guy traveling in the wild west. They get jumped by a group of indians. The indians tie them to poles and are about to execute them. Then the black guy yells at the top of his lungs "TORNADO, TORNADO". The indians all turn and the black guy unties himself and runs away. Then when the indians are about to execute the englishman he yells "FLOOD, FLOOD". As the indians turn he unties himself and runs away. They turn to the polock pull back their bows to execute him and he screams " FIRE, FIRE".
Then the indians fire.

Epita
04-11-2003, 02:35 AM
nah, being really screwed up is more fun than the latter. It means I can fancy Rei! (eva) whilst still getting away with being normal on the outside. (just)

Go ahead and try it, it could be fun!

Epita

ted
04-12-2003, 01:15 AM
This guy drives up on the scene of a fatal accident and starts crying. A Policeman asks the guy, "do you know the victim?" The guy answers...
"Brothers and Sisters I have none.
This man's Father, is my Fathers Son".

Who is the victim?

Epita
04-12-2003, 04:34 AM
well, (im just about to say the answer btw)

i think its his son, am i right?

Epita

ecliptic87
04-12-2003, 09:42 AM
The answer is that the victim is the guy's nephew.

Prosprctor
04-12-2003, 12:22 PM
What Sex Are They?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in,
but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished,
with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off,
it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male
But consider this: it gives men pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know
the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Prosprctor
04-12-2003, 12:27 PM
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces his wife has just
produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe
that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs:
That's about average down home, Folks. Like I
said, 'My boy's a typical Texas baby boy'."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!" were heard. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says: Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth. Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. We were gonna call you. So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers: - Seventeen pounds. The bartender is puzzled,
and concerned: What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly
says: Had him circumcised.

ted
04-13-2003, 12:57 AM
The answer is, the victim was the man's Son.

Epita
04-13-2003, 05:02 AM
yay! i got it right (wow)

it couldnt have been his nephew because he has no brothers or sisters. who would it be the nephew of? also we take he has been married only once, so its not stepsons or something like that!

Epita

ted
04-13-2003, 11:56 AM
It's funny how many people never get it.
Sometimes I gotta rethink it.
Congrats and belated happy birthday!

ecliptic87
04-14-2003, 09:43 AM
oops, well I just thought that if he did have a brother he was already deceased.

Peter Palesh
04-14-2003, 10:32 AM
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

Lightwolf
04-14-2003, 10:49 AM
Hi guys,
o.k, o.k, o.k. my turn now ;)

A guy walks into a store to buy toilet paper.
The shopkeeper looks at him, and asks hiw which one he'd like:
"I can offer your three brands: super fluffy spring dew de-luxe, soft and silky normal and no name".
The guy buys the no name brand and leaves.

Three weeks later he returns to the store and walks up to the shopkeeper:
"Hey, I found a name for your no name tp: John Wayne"
The shopkeeper looks at him, puzzled: "Why that?"
"Well, it's rough, it's tough and it takes no sh*t."

:D Should at least make the Texans grin.

Prosprctor
04-14-2003, 04:29 PM
Good one Peter;)

Lightwolf...:D (i'm grinning)

Rei
04-15-2003, 02:10 PM
I just read all of this thread.

Who is Epita, and why did she get banned?

Rei

Prosprctor
04-16-2003, 03:03 PM
Why are Texans so tough???

Our Gas grills.....

ted
04-16-2003, 05:00 PM
That's just wrong!:eek:

Norman
04-17-2003, 08:09 PM
Subject: woman driver


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.


Woman: Oh, I see.


Officer: Can I see your license please?


Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.


Officer: Don't have one?


Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.


Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.


Woman: I can't do that.


Officer: Why not?


Woman: I stole this car.


Officer: Stole it?


Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.


Officer: You what?


Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.


A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!


The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Woman: Is there a problem sir?


Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.


Woman: Murdered the owner?


Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.


The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.


Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?


Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.


The officer is quite stunned.


Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.


The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.


The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license.


He looks quite puzzled.


Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Prosprctor
04-19-2003, 08:14 PM
HA HA HA HA HE HE HE HO HO HO !!!!
That was good :D


Oh yea TED...
nothing wrong there...he used teflon pipe thread tape to stop leaks:D

Prosprctor
04-24-2003, 08:02 PM
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come
look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of
the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding
to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what
are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't
you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!"
my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe,"
he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing
this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing,
but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming
affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny
little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and
our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's
wacker........Priceless!

Norman
04-24-2003, 08:56 PM
Priceless! :D :D :D :D

ted
04-24-2003, 09:57 PM
Priceless indeed.

Here's one I got that has more truth then humor!

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle & asked him, "Can I also sit like you & do nothing?

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed
the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bull **** might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your management course.

Prosprctor
04-25-2003, 12:12 PM
So THAT'S what I am doing wrong:eek:

:D :D

Norman
04-25-2003, 07:17 PM
These are keepers Ted, and so true. :D

RobinWood
04-26-2003, 02:20 PM
If the guy has no brothers or sisters, then he, himself, is his father's only son.

So, anyone whose father was his father's son would have to be his own child.

The answers to the riddle are; 1. The victim is his own son. 2. The accident took place in Washington DC, since only a politician would be so obtuse. :D

RobinWood
04-26-2003, 02:26 PM
oops. Sorry about that. I didn't realize this thread had more pages until I posted. Now, for some reason, it won't let me edit or delete my post.

Please just ignore it.

ted
04-26-2003, 03:59 PM
Ahhh, yes Robin. His Father's Son IS him, but he declared, "This Man's Father", before Declaring, "Is my Father's Son".

By the way...

If a Chicken and a half,
laid an egg and a half,
in a day and a half,
How much would a pound of butter weigh?

You'll be surprised how many people don't get that one right.

Rei
04-26-2003, 05:12 PM
Well Ted, that depends on your defenition of a 'pound'. Although you are not in England, a pound is not only a measure of Imperial weight, but of monantry value. So a £ of butter, could weigh a different ammount to a pound of butter.

Rei

pixelranger
04-26-2003, 07:52 PM
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get drunk. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Oh Crap! The old lady is going to throw me out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that you would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who **** in my pants."


And another one:

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

RobinWood
04-26-2003, 09:35 PM
Yeah, Ted. That's why I said, "The victim is his own son." Which I guess might be confusing, in retrospect. (I've got to quit posting while feverish.) By "his own," I meant "the guy's own."

LOL! Good answer, Rei!

Here's another; sent to me by Nick Pollotta, but I have no idea if he wrote it or not.

************

GOOD ANSWER!


Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looks around the room and sees that it
is in a perfect order, spotless & clean. So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Rodney asks,
"Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."

Confused, Rodney asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

prospector
04-30-2003, 01:03 PM
Subject: Subject: Education Classes For Men and Women!!!!






Just in case you might be interested in enrolling in any of these classes!!!

NEW CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Lavatory paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and graphics.

4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other.
Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the
house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates
and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.


CLASSES FOR WOMEN.. W

Women think they already know everything, but now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management:
Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II :
Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely:
A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I:
Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II:
Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III:
How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear:
Wearing Shoes You Already Have Worn

prospector
04-30-2003, 01:04 PM
A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local
liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time,
or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have
seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten
up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I
hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously
- I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's
only 2130 now!"

prospector
04-30-2003, 01:04 PM
Absolute Truths About Golf

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next
group of three
4. When you look up and cause a bad shot, you will always look down again at exactly the
moment when you should be looking up if you ever want to see the ball again
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all
6. When you have to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more
balls
7. If you're unsure about whether to wait for a group ahead to clear the green, you have two
options: you can lay up and shank it, or wait for the green to clear and top the ball
halfway there
8. The less skilled the player the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing
9. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip
10. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect shot
11. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-putt for an 11
12. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
13. It's not a gimme if you're still away
14. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that goes
through the center of a very large tree
15. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time
16. Everytime a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore
the fundamental equilibrium of the universe
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods, simply try to lay up just short of a
water hazard
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by
his handicap. Example: back swing 30 miles per hour,handicap 20, downswing 600 miles per hour
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the
position of yours hands: how many hands you have,and which one is wearing the glove
20. A ball you can see sitting up in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours
21. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it

ecliptic87
05-02-2003, 10:33 AM
Originally posted by ted
Ahhh, yes Robin. His Father's Son IS him, but he declared, "This Man's Father", before Declaring, "Is my Father's Son".

By the way...

If a Chicken and a half,
laid an egg and a half,
in a day and a half,
How much would a pound of butter weigh?

You'll be surprised how many people don't get that one right.

How the hell do you get butter from eggs????
I thought it came from cultured milk.

ted
05-02-2003, 12:53 PM
And that's about where everyone says, "A Pound and a Half".
Try it. If you say it just right, you'll probably stump about 2/3's of the people.

It took me about 4 hours to get one of our Boy Scouts to just forget about everything else, but the question, "how much would a pound of butter weigh".
A pound!!!

prospector
05-04-2003, 10:18 PM
Why women refuse to allow men to buy vaccums unsupervised.

prospector
05-12-2003, 11:57 PM
Attention

Attention all women:
When you want a man to pay attention to you,
wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it.
Sure it's uncomfortable. But it makes you look just like his TV remote
control.

Rei
05-13-2003, 12:23 PM
*Rei beats prospector with a remote control for such a sexist coment*

Someone notices and Rei drops the remote and stands there looking inocent with a hand covered in blood...

prospector
05-14-2003, 12:07 AM
:D :D

uberslayer™
05-18-2003, 10:29 PM
Hey inbred.................


If you got no bro's or sistas, how you gonna have a nephew?

Norman
06-04-2003, 08:00 AM
100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%?


What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?



Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?



We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.



How about achieving 103%?



Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:



What makes up 100% in life?




If:



A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:



1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.



Then:



H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K



8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%







and



K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E



11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%



But,



A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E



1+20+20+9+20+21+4=5 = 100%



And,



B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T



21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%



AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.



A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G



1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:



While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, Bull**** and *** kissing will put you over the top.

prospector
06-05-2003, 12:00 AM
I'm at the 130% level :D :D

That was a good one

Heimhenge
06-10-2003, 01:00 AM
'Nuff said ...

James Moore
06-16-2003, 10:49 AM
Just something my wife passed on to me today:

GREAT COMEBACK

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day. You have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one... are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines.

ted
06-16-2003, 11:19 AM
I've heard this before. It clearly demonstrates the bias in News.
It's obviously better to teach them about guns then to have them find out on their own.
Thanks for passing this on!

Lightwolf
06-16-2003, 11:35 AM
lol, nice one.

I wonder what he would have said if she was quick enough to answer:
"Well, I'm not, but are you?"


Originally posted by ted
It's obviously better to teach them about guns then to have them find out on their own.
..you mean like they are being taught about sex and drugs? ;)

James Moore
06-16-2003, 12:14 PM
hehehe, good one Lightwolf. My wife has too much time on her hands today. I got two joke emails from her. For those whose drugs made them forget what they learned about sex:


For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin,Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a
paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's
>>already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though
>>36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
>>4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
>>sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
>>can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
>>show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do
>>not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin,TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
>>dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was
reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came
>>to
the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate
>>the
building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went
>>up
to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me
>>sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' " The
>>teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think
he said...'Holy ****! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for
the next 10 minutes.

25.60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
>>fluid

Lightwolf
06-16-2003, 12:21 PM
ROTFL :D
I just luuuurve the last one.

...and I love little piggies ;)

Cheers,
Mike 'huffin' and puffin' Wolf

uberslayer™
06-16-2003, 11:15 PM
If you do try these tips on home pyrotechnics, remember you are mixing a strong oxidizing agent with an organic compound (same as the OK bomb (deisel/nitrogen fert)). So just save yourself the trouble and have your hands amputated professionally. It may make smoke the first time, if you keep it small, maybe even the second time. But what you are making is a bomb, and it will explode.

BeeVee
06-17-2003, 08:14 AM
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "I can hear someone coming. Let's go to my apartment. He followed her into her apartment and she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked,

"My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered,

"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Matt
06-17-2003, 12:23 PM
hoho, a golden oldie!!! :)

uberslayer™
06-17-2003, 06:15 PM
Why was the blonde dissapointed when she got her drivers licence?

She got an "F" for sex.

prospector
06-18-2003, 09:45 PM
A young girl had been taught all her life
that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her
honeymoon the young bride
crawled out of bed
after making love, stooped down to pick up her
husband's clothes, and accidentally lets out a big
fart.
She looked up and said:

"Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy
back hole laugh out loud."

prospector
06-18-2003, 09:50 PM
Seven Degrees of Blonde

First Degree

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Second Degree

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Third Degree

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Fourth Degree

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

Fifth Degree

Q. What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A. "Is it mine?"

Sixth Degree

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.



Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


Seventh Degree

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

BeeVee
06-20-2003, 04:50 AM
Another oldie but goodie:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big scare, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

:)

B

prospector
06-20-2003, 11:55 PM
I can see it now..
dog growls
he mutters OH JESUS !!!

HA HA HA



Blonde was walking in store and sees a clerk putting these shiny things on the shelf.

She walks up to him and asks "what are those?"
"Oh these ? It's a thermos"

"what do they do?" she inquires

"they keep hot things hot and cold things cold" he answers

She yells out "I'll take one !"

the next day at work her co worker asks what she had in her bag and she said "it's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold "

her co-worker asks what she had in it today and she says

"Coffee and 2 popsicles"

prospector
07-03-2003, 05:15 PM
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt
her.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.


Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.


Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God
nor Man has rested.


Why do men die before their wives? They want to.


A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: "You can have mine."


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful

uberslayer™
07-03-2003, 05:48 PM
Why do women have legs?
To get from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Why did the women cross the road?
That's not the point what's she doing out of the kitchen.

What does wife stand for?
Washing, ironong, food and entertainment.

What do you say to a women with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.:eek:

DISCLAIMER:
That last one is a bit harsh, and does not represent the views of me or any of the voices in my head.

BeeVee
07-04-2003, 06:55 AM
A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW!

The woman immediately leans out of her window and yells, JERK!

They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only women would listen..........



B:)

Rei
07-04-2003, 02:27 PM
i dont like the direction this thread is headdin, do you guys want me to get that remote again?

prospector
07-04-2003, 10:28 PM
Ummm No ???

What direction would that be ??

put something funnier :D

We read yours too;)

Rei
07-06-2003, 06:16 AM
How many CGtalkers does it take to change a light.

No one knows, someone asks, but the thread changes into a app war and is locked before the question is answerd...

(i know, its appauling isnt it)

uberslayer™
07-06-2003, 05:18 PM
Recent research shows that at some stage in their life, all women will contain highly intellegent DNA.

But unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out.

AnaQuista
07-06-2003, 06:09 PM
"They went from the Elite Republican Guard,...

to the Republican Guard,...

to the Republicans made this **** up about there being guards out there."

the legendary and greatest comic Bill Hicks about Gulf War I.

ted
07-11-2003, 02:36 PM
Man, I've been kinda involved elsewhere lately, but I really need to come back here more often.

That's some really good stuff. I really like most of the women jokes. I'll have to pass them onto my wife who can laugh with me.

Seems like now days you can't tell a woman joke without people getting all ticked off.

As a black friend of mine once told me, you can tell me all the black jokes you want. If they're funny, I'll laugh.

Glad to see that humor is alive and well here!

BeeVee
07-29-2003, 08:30 AM
From one of the people I give tech support to:

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign on it. The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, In the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.

"She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, enough already, I'll do the f**king dishes!"

prospector
07-29-2003, 10:03 AM
:D

cool

prospector
07-30-2003, 10:53 PM
Subject: COWCATCHER: 16 ways to cope with 2 cows

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows. This forces you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself. You do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating that you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3
months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people like the brown one best, but vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

BeeVee
08-06-2003, 03:44 AM
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

prospector
08-06-2003, 03:53 AM
I'm gonna sue ya !!!
you made my sides split :D

I had visions of that old lady in the Playboy magizines where they hang to her ankles.

BeeVee
08-06-2003, 04:44 AM
It makes me think of Ms. Choksondik in South Park. *Shudders* :)

B

Rei
08-06-2003, 05:18 AM
whoa man the cow one is funny! makes up for being stuck in the middle of the Med with nothing to do! keep them up!

Rei - On holiday in Greece (not that i want to be)

prospector
08-07-2003, 11:07 AM
Some of these are old but allot are new. Cute! B

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM Radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?

They drowned in Spring Training.

5. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

6. How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for French fries.

7. Why do blondes have more fun?

They are easier to amuse.

8. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

9. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

They keep breaking them with the hammer.

10. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the
air?

She missed.

11. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?

Data transfer.

12. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

13. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out lightbulbs?

She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

14. Why are Orientals so smart?

No blondes.

15. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?

You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.

prospector
08-16-2003, 12:20 AM
Gee..I can't believe that there are only this many jokes for all the people that tune in.....






While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand.

Your foot will change direction.

NOW EXPLAIN THAT ONE!!

hmun
08-17-2003, 09:55 PM
But a good laugh can make you all go Global

And that`s a opportunity in life..........;)

kyuzo
08-21-2003, 06:23 AM
Just heard this one at work...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a Bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
There was a pause and then the voice said, "Very well".
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

prospector
08-21-2003, 09:37 AM
:D :D :D

good one kyuzo!!





NEW GAME !!!!!!!!


OK folks ...
here is a new game to play at night with your better half..

UNDERCOVER FARTBALL !!!!


point system 1 fart equals 7 points
game setup lay back to back
game play fart adding points high score wins


our actual game play by play



:)



As I had developed game I was able to let go first and got in a quick 7

leading 21 to zip she finally puffed one out for 7

after a little body movement she hit for 3 in a row and was leading 28-21

I had one lined up and let go but instead of gasous it was solid

so I quickly got up out of bed and circled to her side.

she asked what I was doing and I said

"half time...roll over and switch sides"

WizCraker
08-25-2003, 05:50 AM
What do you call a fly with no wings?

A Walk.



What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The Wheel Chair.



There was this programmer who refused to leave his cave. His mother worried that her son was becoming anti-social so she bought him a talking parrot from the local pet shop. She brought it over to him and told him if he does not want to be social at least he would have a talking parrot to keep him company. Well it turned out this parrot would not shut up, every word out of its mouth was some form of profanity. For weeks on end the programmer yelled at the parrot to shut up and stop cussing at him, but with no prevail the parrot kept on using profanity in his sentences. One day the programmer got very upset at the parrot as it was distracting him from getting his work finished, so he grabbed the parrot held it down and ripped out all its feathers to try to get it from yelling and using profanity all the time. That did not work so the very next day the programmer thought he was going to end it for good, so he took the parrot and through it in the freezer. He could hear the parrot screaming franticly through the closed door but as the hours past the parrot finally getting quiet, a first in many weeks. A couple of hours later the programmer feeling guilty opens up the freezer and the parrot jumps out onto his should and says to him in a calm voice "I'm sorry that I yelled at you and used countless amounts of profanity, I will not do it again." The programmer thought wow a respectable parrot finally. Later on that day when the programmer was getting ready to sleep the parrot hops over and asks "Before you go to sleep, let me ask you something. What did the chicken do?"

meshmaster
08-26-2003, 02:14 PM
a nun, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk up to a bar. The bartender says, "this must be a joke right?"

hrgiger
08-28-2003, 12:40 PM
If any of you are pedophile priests, I apologize if this one offends you....

A priest gets a flat tire on the side of the road. He doesn't know what to do because he's never changed a tire before. He tries to wave for some help and a truck driver finally pulls over.
"What can I do for you father?" asks the truck driver.
"I have a flat, do you think you can help me?" asks the father.
The truck driver confirms that he can and proceeds to change the tire. As he's tightening the lug nuts, the father asks if he has them on tight enough.
"Tight as a nun's ******" replies the truck driver.
"Oh. Well, you better give them a few more turns" replies the priest.

prospector
08-28-2003, 02:36 PM
:D

A very rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down !!

kirkmorger
08-28-2003, 06:42 PM
Speaking of Priest jokes...

A Rabi, a Minister, and a Priest were all on the Titanic, and things weren't going well. The boat was sinking FAST.

"Women and Children First!" shouted the people loading the lifeboats.

The Rabi and Minister shouted "Screw the Children!". Then the Priest said "Do you think we have time?"

:) :) :)

(I know, I know. I'm going to hell).

WizCraker
08-30-2003, 12:52 PM
The teacher in a one room schoolhouse who first covered the American history lesson, and then went on to grammar and punctuation. She asked, “Can anyone here use the word ‘asterisk’ in a sentence.” A boy’s hand immediately shot up, and he blurted, “We just covered that in the history lesson. It was patriot Nathan Hale who said, ‘I regret that I have only one-*****-to-risk for my country.’”

BeeVee
09-02-2003, 06:19 AM
A French joke:

"Une femme entre dans une pharmacie et demande de l'arsenic...

- Que comptez vous en faire? lui demande le pharmacien

- C'est pour tuer mon mari...

- Quoi? Vous plaisantez! Je ne peux pas vous vendre de quoi commetre un meurtre!

La femme ouvre alors son sac à main, et en sort une photo de son mari en train de coucher avec la femme du pharmacien...

- Ah, évidement, lui dit ce dernier, si vous avez une ordonance, c'est different..."

Translated into English:

"A woman goes into a chemists and asks for arsenic...

'What are you going to do with it?', asks the chemist.

'It's for killing my husband'

'What?! You must be joking! I can't sell you something for committing murder!'

The woman opens her handbag and shows the chemist a photo of her husband making love to the chemist's wife.

'Oh, okay', says the chemist, 'if you've got a prescription...'

B

BeeVee
09-02-2003, 06:25 AM
And another from the French:

"C'est un gars qui découvre une nouvelle marque de préservatifs : les préservatifs Olympiques.

Il en achète une boite, pensant impressionner sa femme avec le soir même. De retour à la maison, il raconte la découverte qu'il vient de faire à la pharmacie et montre la boîte à sa femme.

- Des capotes Olympiques ?, lui dit-elle, Qu'est-ce qu'elles ont de si spécial ?

- Eh bien, il y a trois couleurs, répond le mari, Or, Argent et
Bronze...

- Et quelle est la couleur que tu vas porter ce soir ?

- Ben, euh c'est l'OR, bien sûr, répond le mari en bombant le torse.

Alors sa femme :

- Pourquoi tu ne prendrais pas l'ARGENT plutôt ? Ça serait plutôt sympa si pour une fois tu finissais deuxième ..."

And in English:

"A guy discover a new brand of condoms called Olympians.

He buys a box thinking to impress his girl that evening and tells her about his discovery and shows her the box.

'Olympian condoms? What's so special about them?', she asks.

'Well, there are three colours: Gold, Silver and Bronze...'

'And what colour will you be wearing this evening?'

'Umm, well, Gold of course!', replies the boyfriend, puffing his chest out.

His girlfriend says: 'Can't you choose Silver instead? It would be nice if you finished second for once...'"

B

prospector
09-02-2003, 11:35 AM
:D second:D

must remember that :D

dfacto
09-02-2003, 02:23 PM
Heres a good one, and oh so true...


http://www.anvari.org/db/fun/Gender/Proof_that_Girls_are_Evil.jpg :D

dfacto
09-02-2003, 02:43 PM
A bike for women...:D

http://www.anvari.org/db/fun/Gender/Bike_for_Women.jpg

prospector
09-02-2003, 07:33 PM
cool bike :D

that and my vacuumm for men posted earlier and the whole house is taken care of.:)

BeeVee
09-04-2003, 11:03 AM
Stolen from the 3D World forum:

Here are some rules in dealing with men:

Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

B

prospector
09-04-2003, 02:50 PM
HE HE
#1 is soooo true:D

kyuzo
09-08-2003, 06:22 AM
Three blondes walk into a bar.
- You would have thought one of them would have seen it...

meshmaster
09-11-2003, 09:33 AM
There is a new virus. It's code name is "work." This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this "work" virus, leave immediately, take two friends and go to the nearest bar. Order three beers, or a vodka, or several shots, and, after repeating this 10 to 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize that you do not have five friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life. This virus is deadly, and I apologize for not being able to warn you sooner.

BeeVee
09-11-2003, 09:46 AM
LOL! That reminds me of this one. It's an oldie now, but still chucklesome:

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

prospector
09-26-2003, 12:36 PM
The perfect way to stop those computer viruses.

Dellik
09-26-2003, 02:58 PM
First i'd like to say 'hi' to everyone.

Having just bought Lightwave, after many years of saving, i finally can contribute to the community (even if i have a long way to go to reach the standards of people on here).

Anyway this seemed as good a place as any to post one of my first renderings... the modelling and rendering are mine but the idea is from a couple of 'jokes' i've seen on the internet.

Hope this isnt too offensive to anyone! This was original made to amuse people at the company i work for, but it seems to fit in with this thread, so here it is... :)

Dellik
09-26-2003, 04:25 PM
First i'd like to say 'hi' to everyone.

Having just bought Lightwave, after many years of saving, i finally can contribute to the community (even if i have a long way to go to reach the standards of people on here).

Anyway this seemed as good a place as any to post one of my first renderings... the modelling and rendering are mine but the idea is from a couple of 'jokes' i've seen on the internet.

Hope this isnt too offensive to anyone! This was original made to amuse people at the company i work for, but it seems to fit in with this thread, so here it is... :)

Not sure why the pic didnt make it first time!

Norman
09-26-2003, 08:00 PM
Dellik,

When do they go into production and how long is the warranty?

prospector
09-26-2003, 10:30 PM
I want one too !!

Able to pass this around to others?
This is good.

Dellik
09-27-2003, 03:33 AM
Norman: I think the warranty lasts as long as the women don't know you have it... :D

Prospector: Feel free to pass it around as much as you like but i'll deny everything if your wife/girfriend hunts me down! ;)

Norman
09-27-2003, 05:12 AM
Dellik

I promise to guard mine with my life, if you'll only notify me when they go on sell. Do you need any paying beta testers? I've got a blank check with your name on it! :D

Norman
09-27-2003, 05:14 AM
Er, that would be 'sale', guess I should read this stuff before I send it out. :o

prospector
09-27-2003, 09:33 PM
She is one of those women lib radicals and I think she just got a ticket to London.

HIDE !!!!:D

Norman
09-28-2003, 06:35 PM
This cracked me up.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck &
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of
the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each,
before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The
second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down, the last guy in
the line starts laughing. When there are only five people left, this guy
is rolling on the floor, laughing his *** off.

Finally,! God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The
guy eventually calms down and says:"Make 'em all ugly again!!"

prospector
09-28-2003, 08:25 PM
:D :D
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Too funny!!

prospector
09-29-2003, 09:52 AM
Subject: DIFFERENT METHODS FOR SHOWERING



How to Shower Like a Woman


1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




How To Shower Like a Man


1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look in the mirrior, look at your wiener and scratch your ***.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12.. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo'sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone one among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this information, there is something very wrong with you.

ted
09-29-2003, 05:46 PM
Norm, I like the ugly joke. Just goes to show, there's always one in the crowd. Just make sure you keep him in front of you!;)

Norman
09-29-2003, 07:13 PM
Yeah Ted, I'm going to be last from now on!

BeeVee
10-02-2003, 04:17 AM
Subject: The hotel bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have." explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

B

jat1
10-04-2003, 03:55 PM
I WANT MORE, MORE!!!!

prospector
10-04-2003, 06:59 PM
Well get in and post some !!!:D

WizCraker
10-07-2003, 12:12 AM
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

Red_Oddity
10-07-2003, 07:00 AM
Hmmm...here's a somewhat tastless one...


4 priests go driving together somewhere, they lose control over the car at some point and crash into a ravine, they all die at once...

They go to heaven, but have to confess their sins first at the gate of St. Petrus...

Petrus : 'I know about your 'affairs' with the Pope, you will confess your sins and wash the body part you have sinned with in this spring of holywater, only then shall you be allowed to enter.'

The first priest steps forth, 'I...erm...i masturbated the Pope with my left hand...'

Petrus, 'then you shall wash that hand and all shall be forgiven'

the priest washes his hand and is allowed to enter...

The second priest steps forward, 'I'm afraid i've masturbated the Pope with my right hand'

Petrus, 'Wash that hand and you may enter.'

The priest washes the hand and is allowed to enter aswell.'

The third priest steps forth, 'I..err..i allowed...'

The fourth priest pushes himself forward and interrupts the third, 'I'm sorry St. Petrus, but, would you mind if i rinse my mouth before he starts washing his *** in there.'

BeeVee
10-07-2003, 07:11 AM
Okay, since we're on a religious theme here's a really old one:

Two nuns were driving down one of the main roads in Transylvania one night. All of a sudden, a vampire jumps out in front of them and the nun driving slams on the brakes and comes shuddering to a halt.

The vampire rushes around to the window of the car and starts hissing, at which, the nun driving says to her passenger: "Show him your cross! Show him your cross!"

She immediately complies and shouts to the vampire: "What do you mean by jumping out and scaring us?! Get out of the road, you toothy git!"

B

Edited: 15:34. I can't believe I spelt "you're" the wrong way! Spoiled the entire joke!

Steve Thompson
10-07-2003, 11:34 AM
Ok, I know I'm going to pay for this but...


In a seedy part of downtown New York a Priest, walking back to his Parish, takes a short cut through a Red Light district where on a street corner a prostitute addresses him saying "$20.00 for a blow job Father".

The Priest, sheepishly ducks his head and scurrys up the walk only to be called out by another prostitute with the same line, $20.00 for a blow job Father".

Again, the Priest turns away nervously and walks even faster until he reaches his Parish. There he passes by the Mother Superior and in a low puzzled whisper asks, "Mother Superior, what's a blow job?"

The Mother Superior responds unmoved "$20.00, same as down town!"

ted
10-07-2003, 06:48 PM
Is that a storm on the horizon? I'd be watching for lightning!:eek:

Steve Thompson
10-07-2003, 08:56 PM
Oh Ted, you don't know how right you are.

And me with this steel plate in my head too!:o

WizCraker
10-08-2003, 02:07 AM
These video are funny

Date Kid (http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/DateKid.wmv)
Beer Kid (http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/BeerKid.wmv)
Wixar (http://www.mr-nasty.net/narchive/movies/wixar.mpg)
War (http://www.mr-nasty.net/narchive/movies/war.mpg)
Would you Vote for her? (http://www.mr-nasty.net/narchive/movies/nasty_missguarico.wmv)
Relaxing Game (http://www.mr-nasty.net/narchive/movies/nasty_golf.wmv)
Iraqi Olympic Diving Trials (http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/(Comedy)-Iraqi_Olympic_Diving_Trials.mpeg)
Bin Laden Song [MP3] (http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/BIN_Laden%20feat%20E-type.MP3)
Bad Day (http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/badday.jpg)

Norman
10-08-2003, 03:16 AM
Yes, most of them are funny, but, you have to wonder about that kid from Kimmel's show.

That lady in the bikini should have kept her composure and simply tied the end back up and strutted her stuff, she only brought more attention to herself.

WizCraker
10-08-2003, 03:40 AM
http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/annat/wouldya.jpg

BeeVee
10-13-2003, 03:41 AM
One for and from the French (English translation below):

C'est un couple de paysans qui participe a la remise des prix d'un concours de taureaux.

Le présentateur annonce :

3eme prix, le taureau Gédéon, 3 ans, 3 saillies par jour.

La femme, tapant du coude son mari : T'entends ? 3 fois par jour !! Tu devrais en prendre de la graine !

Le présentateur continue :

2eme prix, le taureau Gérard, 5 ans, 6 saillies par jour.

La femme (excitée) : T'entends ?!... "

Le présentateur, enfin :

Et le 1er prix, le taureau Germain, 4 ans et demi,9 saillies par jour.

La femme (de plus en plus excitée) : T'entends ?!!...

Le mari s'adresse alors au présentateur : Les 9 fois par jour, c'est avec la même vache ?

Euh... Non.

Alors le mari dit a sa femme : T'entends ?!

---

English version:

A couple of country folk were attending a prize-giving show for bulls. The presenter announced: "Third prize goes to the bull Gédéon, three years old, three inseminations a day!"

The wife taps her husband on the shoulder and says, "Did you hear that?! Three inseminations a day! You should take lessons from him!"

The presenter continues: "The bull Gérard, five years old, six inseminations a day!"

The wife, all excited, exclaims: "Six! Did you hear that?!"

The presenter finally announces first place: "First place goes to the bull Germain! Four years old, nine inseminations a day!"

Obviously, the wfie starts up again: "Did you hear..."

The peasant speaks up and asks the presenter a question, interrupting his wife: "So, these nine inseminations. Were they all with the same cow?"

The presenter replies: "uh, no."

The husband shouts at his wife: "Did you hear that!"

prospector
10-13-2003, 09:53 AM
Yea, she probably shut up after that:D

Red_Oddity
10-13-2003, 10:07 AM
:D lol...

talking about cows...

There's this cow farmer who decides it's time to upgrade his company, so he buys a machine to milk his cows...

Not sure how it works and like all men he discards the manual...
He decides to try the machine on himself...

So, he attaches the device to his manly hood and turns it on...the machine works, and the farmer thinks the effect is not at all that unpleasant...

After a while he has had enough of it, but for some reason the machine won't turn off...worse yet, he can't reach the power cable aswell...and no matter how hard he yanks the part attached to him, it doesn't budge...

The farmer starts to panic, he starts searching for a way to shut the darn contraption off, but to no use, in his search he does discover the phone number of the company who build it though...

He grabs his cellphone and calls the number.
Farmer, "Erm yeah, hi, this is Johnson, i bought one of your milking machines..."
Guy on phone, "Oh, great, how is it working out for you"
Farmer, "Oh, er..great, works like a dream...there's one small problem though...i can't seem to shut it off...and i don't have access to the power cable"
Guy on phone, "Oh, don't you worry sir, the machine has a fail safe"
Farmer, "Oh thank god", his manly hood feels like it's the lenght of a garden hose by now, "so how do i let the fail safe kick in."
Guy on phone, "Oh you don't , it does that all by itself. The machine will automatically shut down after having extracted about 2 liters of milk."

silvergun
10-13-2003, 05:10 PM
A Few Of My Best

A virgin girl gets married to a guy who’s supposed to be rather well endowed. She explains this to her new husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door. "Are you nervous yet?" says her husband.
"No, I'm OK" she replies. Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?" "Yes" she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says "I'm still not nervous". "OK," her husband replies, "I'm coming up the stairs"

Whats long and smells of urine?
a line dance in a retirement home

How do you castrate a priest?
Kick the alter boy in the back of the head

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever

Q. How do Australian women separate the men from the boys?
A. With a crowbar.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. With Beer.

What do Americans use as contraception?
Their personalities.

A man married to his teenage sweetheart vows that he'll never let anyone touch his beloved wife. Be it someone buying her a drink, someone touching her up or even another bloke talking to her. Then one day, when the two are sat in a pub, a bloke walks in, strolls up to the bar, buys himself and the other man's wife a drink.
He then says to the woman, "I'd like to fill your twat with Guinness and drink the lot, straight from your hole".
"Bloody hell Ron!" the woman says, "Aren't you going to kick his head in?".
"**** that," Ron says, "I'm not arguing with ANY bloke that can drink 20 pints of Guinness!".

A guy gets ripped off by a taxi driver one night and decides to get his own back when ever he next gets the chance. So one day a few weeks later he sees the same taxi driver third in the cab rank. The guy goes up to the first cab in the rank, gets in and tells the driver he has no money but if he gives him a lift home he will get a blow job for payment. The taxi driver freaks and kicks the guy out.
He then goes to the second cab and offers the same thing, a blow job for a lift home, the second taxi driver refuses and again he is kicked out.
So the guy gets into the third cab (the guy who ripped him off) and asks to be dropped off round the corner. The driver complies, drives off and as he passes the two other cabs in the rank the guy smiles at the other drivers and gives them both a big thumbs up!

Q. Why did God give women orgasms?
A. It gives them something else to moan about!

What's the definition of an Italian virgin?
A girl who can run faster than her brother.

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

A man and his wife go on a honeymoon vacation for their 25th
anniversary. At the hotel, as the couple reflected on that magical
evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw
my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out,
and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife seductively undressed, she asked, "What are you
thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

silvergun
10-13-2003, 05:21 PM
A woman come out of the shower and falls to the floor with her legs wide open. But she falls so hard that she creates a vacuum effect making her ****** stuck firmly to the floor. She shouts and her husband coming running. He holds her from under her arms and tries to pull her free but she just wont move. So he calls his neighbour who just so happens to be passing by. They both try and pull her free but she still wont move. So the neighbour suggest they break the floor around her and lift her to the hospital. The husband says "great idea but let me tickler her nipples first!" "why" says the neighbour? So we can slide her into the kitchen......the tiles are cheaper in there

BeeVee
10-15-2003, 04:06 AM
Another one from my French colleagues, English translation follows:

Le nouveau curé de la paroisse était si nerveux pour son premier sermon qu'il ne put pratiquement pas dire un mot.

Pour préparer son deuxième sermon, le dimanche suivant, il demanda conseil à l'archevêque.

Ce dernier lui conseilla : La prochaine fois, versez quelques gouttes de VODKA dans un verre d'eau et vous verrez qu'après quelques gorgées, vous serez plus détendu.

Le dimanche suivant, le prêtre suivit ce conseil et, en effet, se sentit si bien qu'il aurait pu parler n'importe où, tellement il était détendu.

Après son sermon, de retour à la sacristie, il trouva un mot de l'archevêque qui disait ce qui suit:

Mon Fils: La prochaine fois, mettez quelques gouttes de vodka dans de l'eau, et non pas quelques gouttes d'eau dans de la vodka. Je vous fais part de quelques observations afin que ce que j'ai vu aujourd'hui au cours de votre sermon ne se répète pas.

- Il n'y a nul besoin de mettre une rondelle de citron sur le bord du calice.

- Ce ne sont pas les WC, mais le confessionnal qui se trouve à côté de l'autel.

- Evitez de vous appuyer sur la statue de la Sainte Vierge et surtout évitez de la serrer dans vos bras et de l'embrasser.

- Il y a 10 commandements et non 12.

- Les apôtres étaient 12 et non 7. Aucun d'entre eux n'était nain.

- Nous ne parlons pas de Notre Seigneur Jésus Christ et de ses apôtres comme de "J.C. & Co.".

- Nous ne nous référons pas à Judas comme à "ce fils de pute". - Vous ne devez pas parler du Pape en disant "Le Parrain".

- Ben Laden n'est pour rien dans la mort de Jésus.

- L'eau bénite est faite pour bénir et non pas pour se rafraîchir la nuque.

- Ne célébrez jamais la messe assis sur les marches qui mènent à l'autel, et encore moins le pied posé sur la Bible.

- Les hosties sont pour la communion et non pas des gâteaux apéritifs à consommer avec le vin de messe.

- Les pécheurs iront en enfer et non "se faire enc..er".

- L'initiative d'appeler les fidèles à danser était bonne, mais PAS celle de faire la chenille dans toute l'église...

- IMPORTANT: Le type assis près de l'autel, auquel vous vous êtes référé comme: "le pédé" et "le travelo" en jupe, c'était moi !

J'espère que ces erreurs seront corrigées dimanche prochain. Sincères salutations,

L'Archevêque

---

In English:

The new parish priest was so nervous for his first sermon that he could practically not say a word. To prepare for his second sermon he asked the archbishop for some advice.

The archbishop advised him to put a couple of drops of vodka into a glass of water and after several gulps, the priest would be a bit more relaxed.

The sunday after, the priest followd the archbishop's advice and felt so relaxed he could speak no matter where.

After his sermon, he returned to the sacristy where he found a note from the archbishop, which read:

My son: the next time, put several drops of vodka into your water and not the other way around, with several drops of water into your vodka. Here are some of my observations so that your sermon isn't repeated:

- you don't have to put a slice of lemon on the edge of the chalice;
- Those aren't toilets, but confessionals next to the altar;
- Don't rub yourself against the statue of the Virgin Mary and certainly don't take her in your arms and kiss her;
- There are 10 commandments and not 12;
- There were 12 apostles and not 7. None of them were dwarves;
- We don't speak of our lord Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and co.";
- We don't refer to Judas as "that son of a whore";
- You shouldn't refer to the Pope as "the Godfather";
- Osama Bin Laden had nothing to do with the death of Jesus Christ;
- Holy water is there for blessing people, not for refreshing the nape of your neck;
- Never take mass sitting on the steps of the altar, especially not with your foot resting on the bible;
- The host is there for communion and not as party snacks to have with the communion wine;
- Sinners are going to hell and not "going to be f...ked";
- The idea of calling the faithful to dance was a good one, but not the idea of doing a conga line through the church;
- Very important: the guy sat near the altar you kept referring to as "the paedophile" and the "transvestite" in a dress was ME!

I hope these errors will be rectified for next Sunday's sermon.


B

prospector
10-15-2003, 11:50 AM
Osama Bin Laden had nothing to do with the death of Jesus Christ;

Really ???:D

silvergun
10-16-2003, 10:42 AM
It was probably George Bush. Imagine it, theres jesus just happily strolling down the road where he comes across a field of oil. Hmm he says i'll think i'll have that. Up comes george bush from behind and pushes him in drowning him instantly. Bush then goes back to nazareth and tells all the folk that he was infact hiding guns under his shabby old sarong so he simply had to kill him. He then gets his dad to make hundreds of wheelbarrows out of old chestnut oak and tells his friends to drain the field of its rich oil so they can waste it away and crappy built cars in the not too distant future.

Red_Oddity
10-17-2003, 05:17 AM
Uh, oh...there's goes this thread...
You're supposed to tell jokes man, not the truth...ooops..hangon..someone is banging at my door...oh..hello Mr. FBI...waddayamean insulting the president...oh..that guy...HE'S THE PRESIDENT?

er...sorry...on with the jokes

munky
10-17-2003, 07:07 AM
They Found Nemo

prospector
10-17-2003, 05:34 PM
OHHHH NOOOOOO

oh wait, that's Mr. Bill:D

So Nemo is Sushi...good one

BeeVee
10-27-2003, 03:09 AM
Another joke from my colleagues, first in French and then I've done a translation:

Le mois dernier, un sondage a été mené à l'échelle mondiale par l'Onu.

La question était : "Veuillez, s'il vous plaît, donner
honnêtement votre opinion sur d'éventuelles solutions à la pénurie de nourriture dans le reste du monde ".

Le sondage fut un échec retentissant :

- En Afrique, personne ne comprit ce que signifiait " nourriture ".

- En Europe de l'Est, personne ne comprit ce que signifiait " honnêtement ".

- En Europe de l'Ouest, personne ne comprit ce que signifiait "
pénurie ".

- En Chine, personne ne comprit ce que signifiait " opinion ".

- Au Moyen-Orient, personne ne comprit ce que signifiait " solution ".

- En Amérique du Sud, personne ne comprit ce que signifiait " s'il vous plaît ".

- Aux États-Unis, personne ne comprit ce que signifiait " le reste du monde ".

---

Last month a poll was conducted globally by the UN.

The question was: "Please give your honest opinion on possible solutions for the lack of food in the rest of the world".

Here are the results:

In Africa, no-one knew what was meant by "food";

In Eastern Europe, no-one knew what was meant by "honest";

In Western Europe, no-one knew what was meant by "lack";

In China, no-one knew what was meant by "opinion";

In South America, no-one knew what was meant by "please";

In North America, no-one knew what was meant by "the rest of the world".

BeeVee
11-25-2003, 05:08 AM
Here's another story from a French friend. In French first off, but translated for Anglophones afterwards...

--- Version française ---

Le week-end dernier, avec quelques potes, on discutait de choses et d'autres, lorsque l'un d'entre nous nous sort :

"Hé les gars, j'ai lu quelque part qu'il y avait des hormones femelles dans la bière !"

Vu qu'on est un peu scientifique dans l'âme, on a décidé de vérifier la véracité de ces propos. Du coup, on a vidé une vingtaine de canettes.

Dans l'intérêt de la science bien sûr !

Le résultat de cette expérience in vivo fut stupéfiant. Au bout de 20 tournées :

1- on avait tous pris du poids

2- on parlait beaucoup pour ne rien dire

3- on éprouvait des difficultés à conduire correctement

4- il nous était impossible de tenir un raisonnement simple

5- on refusait obstinément de reconnaître qu'on avait tort, même lorsque c'était évident

6- et pour couronner le tout, on allait aux toilettes toutes les 5 minutes, tous ensemble en plus.

Je pense qu'il est inutile de pousser l'expérience plus loin.


--- English Version ---

Last weekend some friends and I were talking about various things and one of us put this notion out:

"Hey guys, I heard somewhere that they put female hormones in beer!"

Since we have a scientific nature, we decided to verify the hypothesis. So, straight away we emptied 20 cans of beer.

In the interests of scientific investigation of course!

The results of the experiment were astounding. At the end of the 20 cans:


1. We all gained weight;

2. We spoke a lot about nothing;

3. We had difficulty driving properly;

4. It was impossible to hold a simple train of thought;

5. We stubbornly refused to recognise the fact that we were in the wrong even when it was easily proven;

6. And to top it off, we went to the toilet every five minutes, all together.

I didn't think it was worth pushing the experiment further.

------

With my sincere apologies to all the fine ladeeez out there...

B

Melvil
11-25-2003, 04:44 PM
Haha! Just read through the whole thread. Lots of great stuff! Here's another religous one.

-----

While walking home from work one day this guy saw a man standing on the edge of a bridge about to jump off. He ran to him yelling, "Stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" the man asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well...are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist!"

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God!!"

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!!!"

With that he yelled, "Die, heretic!", and pushed him off the bridge.

-Dave

ted
11-25-2003, 06:10 PM
I'll have to pass some of these around the Thanksgiving table. I'm sure it'll instigate some family discussion!:eek:

Melvil
11-25-2003, 07:18 PM
Fred and Bill are out hunting in the woods when suddenly Fred keels over, dead. Frantically Bill calls 911 on his cell phone and explains wildy to the 911 operator, "My friend just fell over dead!!" The 911 operator replies, "Calm down sir. First lets make sure he's really dead." After a moment the operator hears a shot ring out and Bill comes back on the line. "Okay, what should I do next?"

-Dave

WizCraker
11-25-2003, 09:27 PM
Originally posted by BeeVee
In North America, no-one knew what was meant by "the rest of the world".

Figures the french would say something like that.

BeeVee
11-26-2003, 03:59 AM
I don't think it was a french joke originally - I heard it a long time ago in England too...

B

WizCraker
11-27-2003, 10:32 PM
http://www.bobandtom.com/av/camel_toe_mov_sm.mov

prospector
11-28-2003, 02:09 PM
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

prospector
11-28-2003, 02:10 PM
Women...Go Figure !!


What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Red_Oddity
12-01-2003, 04:56 AM
Funny (as usuall) but also frighteningly true...

BeeVee
12-12-2003, 07:05 AM
A policeman knocks on the door of a house, but when the door opens he's confronted by a young teenage boy dressed in his mothers' high heels, bra, stocking and suspenders. His face is covered in his mothers' make-up. In one hand he's got a bottle of his dads' whiskey, as well as one of his dads' porn mags under his arm ( not to mention the porn that's playing on the television in the background ) , and he's smoking a cigar.

The policeman, trying to ignore this sight carries on with his duty.

"Excuse me young man," he says to the boy. "Are your mother and father home?"

The boy raises an eyebrow, unimpressed, then replies: "Well, what the f*** do you think?"

B

munky
12-12-2003, 07:53 AM
A horse walks into a bar, The barman looks up and says "hey why such a long face"

meshmaster
12-12-2003, 10:11 AM
'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly, but still I could hear
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk
And laying a finger beside my heartburn,
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve........................'til I take that first
bite!

meshmaster
12-12-2003, 10:13 AM
get in to a drag race - who will win?

The lesbians of course, they'll be going 69 all the way, lickety split, while the fags are still at home packing their s h it

Alec Trevelyan
12-12-2003, 10:52 AM
when somebody asked about parenting advice for 3d objects, I gave them parenting advice for real life. You can't write this stuff! ;)

prospector
12-19-2003, 03:29 PM
Nice jingle :D

prospector
12-19-2003, 05:11 PM
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.



Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"



And that my friends.... is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

mamurphy
12-20-2003, 09:31 PM
A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"











Think about it....

prospector
01-05-2004, 11:01 AM
Subject: ATM drive-through banking instructions:

Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller
machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to
your own circumstances (i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use
the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Put window up
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to allign car window to machine
3 Set parking brake, Put the window down
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5 Turn the radio down
6 Attempt to insert card into machine
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Reinsert card the right way up
11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back! of checkbook
19 Recheck make-up again
20 Drive forward 2 feet
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
27 Release Parking Break

BeeVee
01-07-2004, 09:56 AM
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

ted
01-07-2004, 10:04 AM
:) :p :D

prospector
01-07-2004, 10:58 AM
If women became engineering designers

woot
01-07-2004, 12:50 PM
What did Michael Jackson get for Christmas?

A Game Boy, named Bobby.


---------------

Why did Michael Jackson say he was manhandled by the police?

He's used to being handled with kid gloves.

sywitt
01-08-2004, 10:50 AM
A skelleton walks into a bar and say's "Give me a beer and a mop"

prospector
01-10-2004, 08:40 AM
Uses of the "F" Word
There are only eleven times in history where the
"F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:

#11 "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS - Titanic, 1912

#10. "What the @#$% was that?"
Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

#09. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
Custer, 1877

#08. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." Einstein, 1938

#07. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
Picasso, 1926

#06. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagorus, 126 BC

#05. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1566

#04. "Where the @#$% are we?"
Amelia Earhart, 1937

#03. "Scattered @#$%ing showers... my butt!"
Noah, 4314 BC

#02. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll please...........

#01. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
Saddam Hussein, 2003

prospector
01-10-2004, 06:42 PM
Subject: Computers



For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

toby
01-11-2004, 05:14 PM
-

toby
01-11-2004, 05:17 PM
What Sex Are They?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in,
but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished,
with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off,
it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male
But consider this: it gives men pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know
the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

BeeVee
01-28-2004, 11:24 AM
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying b*st*rd told you I was speeding, too...

B

nerdyguy227
02-10-2004, 04:57 PM
If anyone saw Howerd Dean's Iowa caucisus result speech (a.k.a. I'v got a screem speech) then this song (http://home.comcast.net/~erkan226/kokomodean.mp3) is for you

danilo
02-10-2004, 06:10 PM
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.






Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.






Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

nerdyguy227
02-11-2004, 02:47 PM
Only in America...... we have half the world's wealth

danilo
02-11-2004, 04:10 PM
Only in America...... do we have half the world's wealth......
it's missing something to be joke!

nerdyguy227
02-11-2004, 05:08 PM
Look at theese:

nerdyguy227
02-11-2004, 05:10 PM
:

ted
02-12-2004, 03:12 AM
Danilo, Love the only in America liners. I said the same thing about drive-up Bank ATM's with BRAIL!:confused:
Makes you wonder.

danilo
02-12-2004, 05:41 AM
I said the same thing about drive-up Bank ATM's with BRAIL!
Makes you wonder.


.....do I know BRAIL?
No,I don't.
danilo

themaxx
02-12-2004, 11:09 AM
"Mr. Larson, I've got bad news. You have cancer and you have alzheimer's."

"Well, Doc, at least I don't have cancer."

prospector
02-16-2004, 12:39 PM
Dead Duck!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment
or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,

"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in
a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly,
jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried.
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20.

But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it
all adds up."

nerdyguy227
02-19-2004, 04:29 PM
haha

Alec Trevelyan
02-21-2004, 03:04 AM
Originally posted by woot
What did Michael Jackson get for Christmas?

A Game Boy, named Bobby.


---------------

Why did Michael Jackson say he was manhandled by the police?

He's used to being handled with kid gloves.

What does Michael Jackson like about 28-year-olds?

There're twenty of them:p

prospector
02-21-2004, 10:17 AM
:D
cold

BeeVee
02-25-2004, 06:43 AM
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?".

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know f**k-all about my business.



"Now give me back my dog."

B

BeeVee
03-04-2004, 05:48 AM
From a french friend:

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

prospector
03-04-2004, 09:37 AM
:D

Red_Oddity
03-06-2004, 03:03 PM
*BUMP*

sorry, but...more...MORE...MORE

good stuff here

BeeVee
03-06-2004, 03:39 PM
Don't bump! Post a joke Red. Now I have to post one to keep the thing going and all I have is:

"What's red and green and goes round and round?"































Kermit the frog in a liquidiser

Very bad, very old (do the kids of today even know who Kermit is?), but I had to post with a joke! :)

B

nerdyguy227
03-06-2004, 03:52 PM
Kermet is that green dude on the mupit-babies

themaxx
03-06-2004, 05:03 PM
Q: why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
A: because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.



Blonde cop pulls over a blonde girl for speeding. Girl says she doesn’t have her license and the cop asks if she has any kind of photo ID. The girl digs through her purse and pulls out a makeup mirror. She hands it to the cop. “Here you go. This has my picture on it.”

The cop looks at it and hands it back. “Hell, if I’d known you were a cop I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

Red_Oddity
03-08-2004, 03:49 AM
Fine, no bumping anymore...

hrrr..hmmm..



A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Red_Oddity
03-08-2004, 03:53 AM
And another


A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

prospector
03-15-2004, 12:27 PM
CUSTOMER SERVICE


"Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light
that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f*#king stupid to own a computer."

BeeVee
03-19-2004, 04:46 AM
A door-to-door salesman is doing the rounds and he knocks on the door to a house in an affluent area, hoping to sell his wares. A little boy answers the door immediately.

"Are you alone in the house?", asks the salesman.

The little boy whispers, "no".

"Can I speak to your mummy or daddy then, little boy?" the salesman asks.

The boy whispers in reply, "no, they are upstairs."

"Ah, okay", says the salesman. " Do you have any brothers or sisters, then?"

The boy whispers "yes".

"Can I speak to them then?"

The boy whispers in reply, "no, they are upstairs."

"oh okay", says the salesman, who still wants his sale. "Is there anyone else I might speak to?"

The boy whispers, "Yes, there's a policeman and a fireman here too."

The salesman is getting desperate at this point: "Can I speak to them then?"

The boy whispers in reply, "no, they are upstairs."

The salesman asks "What are all these people doing upstairs?!"

The boy, slowly and calmly whispers his response:





"Looking for me."

B

BeeVee
03-19-2004, 04:53 AM
Here's one that I know will work for English folk used to Christmas carols. I don't know whether it will work for others...

Good King Wenceslas gets very hungry on occasions. Quite often, he can't be bothered to cook for himself, so he nips out to eat in a restaurant. Being a member of royalty in touch with the common man, he often goes to pizza restaurants to mingle with them. This time he finds himself in his local Pizza Hut.

The waitress approaches his table and he says he'd like a cheese and tomato pizza with anchovies and pepperoni.

The waitress repeats his order back to him and asks how he'd like it cooked.

The good king replies simply: "Deep pan crisp and even..."

B

prospector
03-19-2004, 01:22 PM
Ben
First good
Second..HU??
I even tried to sing to song.
That went past me.:(

cagey5
03-19-2004, 02:08 PM
where the snow lay round about

Deep and crisp and even

prospector
03-19-2004, 08:12 PM
Osama vs. Bush

President Bush and Osama bin Laden decided to settle the war on
terrorism with one decisive dog fight. Each side would have 5
years to breed the best fighting dog in the world. Whichever
side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama's people found the biggest, meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the most ferocious Siberian wolves. They selected the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, then removed all of its siblings, which gave the one remaining puppy all the milk. After 5 years of breeding and re-breeding, they came up with the most violent, aggressive dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick.

On the day of the decisive fight, Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal - a 9 foot long Dachshund. Coalition representatives were dismayed. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last even 10 seconds in a fight against bin Laden's fearsome beast.

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled towards bin Laden's dog. Osama's dog snarled, leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in a single violent attack. Nothing was left of the terrorist's dog.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the largest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers and the most aggressive Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic
surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.
:D

James Moore
03-19-2004, 08:57 PM
heheheeee prospector:

you baddd....you baddddd!

ted
03-20-2004, 09:10 AM
You da Dawg!

nerdyguy227
03-20-2004, 11:32 PM
Why did the boy eat his homework...?
(I'll tell you tommarrow)

prospector
03-21-2004, 11:24 AM
HEY!!!
That's like watching a good TV show and getting the dreaded 'To be continued' message:eek:

I need my laughs NOW !!!!!:D







Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

nerdyguy227
03-21-2004, 04:24 PM
Haha

well it is tomarrow and now so I gues I have to tell you:

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework...?

A:
Because his teacher said it was a peice of cake! (meaning the expression)

munky
03-22-2004, 01:16 PM
Not How I saw it!

A friend sent me this



regards paul

prospector
03-22-2004, 01:42 PM
They lose something in the translation:D

nerdyguy227
03-22-2004, 01:59 PM
something-or-somethings (lots of things)


Do they really have that?

cagey5
03-22-2004, 02:32 PM
I somehow think this has been put together in photo shop :) Funny though.

James Moore
03-24-2004, 09:28 AM
this came to me today thought I'd pass it along

prospector
03-24-2004, 11:30 AM
I think the guy disarming the bomb is..
Why?
because he and his accomplis (who gave the other guy the bag) are really pulling the joke on the bag man by pulling the old dog-poo in a bag trick.:D

Gordon
03-29-2004, 10:40 AM
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.

One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, " You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".

BeeVee
04-05-2004, 03:26 AM
HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out
until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk
containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover
with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not
soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully
before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.


B

Elemental233
04-06-2004, 04:35 AM
LOL awsome

BeeVee
04-06-2004, 05:01 AM
No comments allowed without a joke of your own! :) Here's a guide for employment as is being implemented in the United States over the coming fiscal year:

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with A will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with B will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23
Ma'am tax $1.23
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Various $8.01
Sundry $12.09
====================
-- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

prospector
04-06-2004, 09:21 AM
:D :D
Those excuses were so good I have added them to my hiring contracts, even the 3rd party ones.

:D :D

The surgery one reminds me of when I was in the military:)

Gordon
04-06-2004, 01:18 PM
"An Elementary Look at Campaigns and Elections"

(Every year, teacher Mike Wilson of Ballwin, Missouri has his elementary-school students study the presidential election process in America. From the resulting essays and exam papers, Wilson has culled some gems of youthful insight and wisdom, not to mention skepticism worth of a politics-weary adult. As the 1984 presidential election grows near, we offer some of Wilson's treasures.)

Did you ever think what I used to think about candidates running neck-and-neck? Well it is not true.

Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.

Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying you lost.

The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.

What I learned about elections is that we aren't really getting to elect the president. It is some people in a college who get to. I have not decided what to do about it yet but I am not going to just sit around.

It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.

Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.

The more I think about trying to run for president the less I think of it.

The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.

Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.

The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.

Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time.

The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.

In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.

Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.

The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.

One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people.

Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.

Heredity is a bad thing in politics because it gets us kings instead of presidents.

A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.

An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.

The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.

Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.

When the radio mentions a landslide, cross your fingers and hope it is talking about an election.

A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know enough about to dislike yet.

Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.

A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up.

When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.

Elephants and donkeys never fought until politics came along.

Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.

A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.

We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.

One of the mainest rules of campaigning is you are not allowed to go on a whistle-stop tour without a train.

Politician is the bawling out name for a candidate you don't like.

Speaking of defeat, candidates are told never to.

Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.

prospector
04-08-2004, 07:59 PM
S.A.T. TESTING

The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests given to 16 years-old students! Don't laugh too hard -- one of them could become president one day! You have to admit some are very creative.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no
water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to
adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,
abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the
brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor..

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic
feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

NOW THE BEST FOR LAST. . . .



Q: What does the word "benign" mean?



A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.



And just think, one day our social security payments will depend on these kids!!

prospector
04-10-2004, 09:05 AM
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
............Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
...........Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
...........They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
...........You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
...........Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
..........Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
..........A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
..........Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
..........Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
..........Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
..........Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
..........Frostbite
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
.........A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
.........Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
.........Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
.........Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
.........Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
.........Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
.........The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
.........Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
.........A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
.........A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
.........Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Gordon
04-13-2004, 05:26 PM
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

BeeVee
04-14-2004, 05:56 AM
Ha! That reminds me of another golfing joke from long ago - I'll see if I can remember it:

A priest and a businessman are out playing golf. The businessman keeps missing easy putts and when he does he swears: "Damn, missed!"

The priest says: "You should be careful with your swearing. If God hears you, He's apt to punish you for your improper language!"

The businessman says nothing, just carries on playing.

They eventually come to the eighteenth hole. It's been a dreadful round for the businessman - he's been consistently missing easy putts and swearing. All through the match the priest has been warning him, which might account for his bad playing...

Even so, if the businessman makes this shot, he'll have saved face and drawn with the priest - a match that should have been an easy win. He sights on the hole, eases his shoulders down, takes aim, has a few practice swings, breathes deeply and taps the ball. It seems that he's going to get the shot in, when a slope in the green he hadn't allowed for swerves the ball away from the hole! As before, the businessman swears: "God damn! Missed again!"

The priest starts saying "I've been telling you..." when all of a sudden a lightning bolt streaks down from the sky and smacks the priest in the middle of his forehead killing him instantly!

There's a roll of thunder, and if you're listening carefully, you can just hear a mighty voice from the clouds exclaiming: "DAMN, MISSED!"

B

BEDOFDOLLS
04-15-2004, 08:15 AM
Optical Illusion

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Concentrate on the picture below for a few minutes.

If you concentrate hard enough a boat will appear in the background.

prospector
04-15-2004, 09:35 AM
Are you sure????
I've tried for 3 hours now,
crossing my eyes,
covering right then left eye,
even used the Blue/Red 3D glasses.

Nothing...
Are you sure you sent the right pic?????
:D :D

retinajoy
04-17-2004, 09:43 AM
On the subject of blondes :)

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

BeeVee
04-21-2004, 06:43 AM
Another one...

A little girl was just filling in a big hole in her garden when a neighbour, looking over the fence, caught sight of her. "What are you up to?" the neighbour asked.

"Burying my dead goldfish that your cat killed", replied the little girl without looking up.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Isn't that a big hole for a little fish?", asked the neighbour.

"The fish is still inside your bloody cat." replied the little girl patting down the last of the loose earth.

B

nerdyguy227
04-25-2004, 08:54 AM
Written instructions on a new drive-through ATM:

Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller
machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to
your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use
the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1.) Drive up to the cash machine.
2.) Put down your car window.
3.) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.) Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6.) Put window up
7.) Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1.) Drive up to cash machine
2.) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3.) Set parking brake, Put the window down
4.) Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.) Turn the radio down
6.) Attempt to insert card into machine
7.) Attempt to insert card into machine
8.) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9.) Insert card
10.) Reinsert card the right way up
11.) Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12.) Enter PIN.
13.) Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
14.) Enter amount of cash required
15.) Check make up in rear view mirror
16.) Retrieve cash and receipt
17.) Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
18.) Place receipt in back! of checkbook
19.) Recheck make-up again
20.) Drive forward 2 feet
21.) Reverse back to cash machine
22.) Retrieve card
23.) Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24.) Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind
25.) Restart stalled engine and pull off
26.) Drive for 2 to 3 miles
27.) Release Parking Break

prospector
04-25-2004, 09:31 AM
:D

WizCraker
04-26-2004, 01:32 PM
Leave it to 'guys' to come up with that.

nerdyguy227
04-26-2004, 08:30 PM
http://www.dirtyfunpages.com/ex.php?id=406

WizCraker
04-27-2004, 02:10 AM
Dewalt (http://www.thedierks.com/allowe/video/Dewalt.wmv)

prospector
04-28-2004, 10:01 AM
Why ......??????

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever the heck comes out!"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? . I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut....why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Are Disney World and Disneyland the only people traps operated by a mouse?

Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why did you try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

prospector
04-28-2004, 10:06 AM
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
etween three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sa! turday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.
Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.







The answers.

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear o! nce in the long paragraph.

retinajoy
05-01-2004, 02:38 PM
Here's one to bump the thread up.

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlord.

nerdyguy227
05-01-2004, 05:08 PM
There is this couple. The husband never gave the wife much money. She wanted a new dress, but was afraid to ask her husband for the $200 it costs.

One afternoon a man stoped by at the house they lived in. the husband was at work. The wife answered the door and the man said, "Hello, Is Mr. Smith home [the husband]" She replied,"no, but he should be back from work shortly. Would you like to come in?" He said yes and after about 5 minuts he asked Ms. Smith if she would like to do some work and in return get $25. She agreed because she needed the money and she got all the work done. When she was done, the man asked her if she could do some harder work and this time in return get $75. Agen, she did the same thing and when she was finished the man asked her if she could do some really hard work for $100. Ms. Smith very hapily agreed since that all equiled $200. After she was done, the man decided it was too long a wait for Mr. Simth, so he would just call him later. Ms. Smith was very happy since now she could buy the new dress.

10 minuts later Mr. Smith came home and asked, "Did my friend by any chance stop by with the $200 he owed me?":D :D :D

Norman
05-03-2004, 06:58 AM
THE GUYS' RULES

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the
guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules
from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!



1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as basketball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping out.

kyuzo
05-04-2004, 06:30 AM
This explains a lot...

:D

prospector
05-06-2004, 07:29 PM
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

" The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde
flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn, this one's barefoot too" !

nerdyguy227
05-07-2004, 03:49 PM
:D


How do you kill a blond?















<ANSWER>
\/














you put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottem of a pool!

Gordon
05-12-2004, 10:04 AM
A new Texas Survivor Challenge. Anyone who completes this challenge wins and move on to the next All Stars challenge to be held in Dallas.

Contestants have to get from North Texas to South Texas driving a pink caddy with a large bumper sticker that reads:

"I'm a gay, atheist, vegetarian ... and I'm here to take your guns."

ted
05-12-2004, 11:55 AM
The only contestant that MIGHT make it would be the Rock!;)

retinajoy
05-12-2004, 01:23 PM
Here are some bad awful jokes. The type you may find in cheap and nasty 10 for a pound (or dollar) Christmas crackers.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

Two monkeys stumbled into a wall. They were plastered!

What kind of television do horses like?
Saddle-lite TV

What did the ghost say on December 25th?
Scary Christmas!

What did the strawberry say on December 25th?
Berry Christmas!

What did the head trauma patients do when the price of medicine went up?
They went on stroke.

What kind of math class did the acorn take when it grew up?
Gee-I'm-a-tree!

What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
lumpy milkshake.

What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down, and you've let the whole school down!

Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator?
Because he was General Electric.

prospector
05-12-2004, 02:21 PM
I'm afraid than no-one would cross the finish line either:D

retinajoy
those jokes!! those jokes !!
OH THE HUMANITY:D

Tiger
05-13-2004, 11:23 AM
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman.

"How’d you get the eye patch?" "A sea gull **** in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Have a nice day!

prospector
05-13-2004, 12:20 PM
You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For you non-Texans...the container for this snuff is very large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it in his back Jean pocket. Now, back to the story:

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State.


She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The Taste is unbelievable!"

"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"



They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in their back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

nerdyguy227
05-18-2004, 05:15 PM
An easy one (really)!



There is a boat in the harber. It has a ladder comming off of it. The bottem rung is at sea level exactly. Each of the rungs are spaced .5 ft. (1/2 ft.) apart. if the tide is rising exactly 1 ft. an hour how long will it take untill the first 3 rungs are under the water?


now some will call this a math problem, others will agree it should be in this post. (note: I did not say which is more accurate)

See if you could get it. If you can't figure this out I will post the reall answer tomarrow (or latter today).

cagey5
05-18-2004, 05:28 PM
I know this one :) but I'm not going to say anything until others have had a chance to think it through a while.

munky
05-18-2004, 05:31 PM
I'd say never



:)


regards

paul

Elemental233
05-18-2004, 05:38 PM
its a boat so it floats silly .. so the bottom rung will always be exactly where it is.

cagey5
05-18-2004, 05:52 PM
Ok here's another. [Should start another thread really as these aren't jokes]

Btw. People always argue over this one even when the answer has been given....

Edit for clarity

Two glasses of wine. One white one red.
A spoon of wine from the red glass is taken and added to the white wine and thoroughly mixed.
A spoon of that mixture is then added back to the red wine glass and again mixed.

Q. Does the red wine have more white mixed into it or does the white wine have more red mixed in?

There's no trick in the wording btw. It's as it reads.

nerdyguy227
05-18-2004, 07:48 PM
Originally posted by cagey5
I know this one :) but I'm not going to say anything until others have had a chance to think it through a while.

I wish people who knew did this.

Yeh I know it will never reach it. I got about 90% of the people I told it to. It is really easy to fool people when you say it because you could easily read it over and have way more time to think about it when it is written.

Cageman
05-18-2004, 07:52 PM
My guess is that both glasses have the same concentration of both. Why? Well, to start with, you don´t loose any whine at all. Secondly, you get exactly the same ammount of red and white wine back into the red glass. It will be like taking a half spoon of white whine into the red whine and vice versa...

Uhh... I´m too tired to write a good explanation in english! :)

cagey5
05-19-2004, 12:23 PM
Yep. You're right Cageman. Exactly the same level ends up in each.