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djwaterman
09-29-2015, 02:57 AM
I'm writing a screenplay and I have a short exchange of dialogue that will be spoken in Spanish and subtitled in English. It's conversational, a westerner speaking to some Columbian workers, and I used google translate. Could a natural speaker of the language look over the dialogue below and tell me if anything seems clunky. Also it doesn't have all the little dots and dashes above certain letters but I hope it still makes sense.

Here comes God.
Aqui viene Dios.
You take this all down, in a week, gone.
Usted toma todo esto abajo, en una semana, se ha ido.
One year from now, it will be orbiting Saturn, with the
rings.
Durante un ano a partir de ahora, estara orbitando Saturno,
con los anillos.
That's better eh?
Eso es mejor eh?
Ah see it's your's. Mr Rock and Roll eh?
Ah Mira, es sus de. Sr. Rock and Roll eh?.
If you are God, it helps to be a little crazy.
Si tu eres Dios, ayuda a estar un poco loco.

Yeah I know, not LW related but you guys are awesome in many ways beside 3D.

BokadCastle
09-29-2015, 03:52 AM
I'm writing a screenplay...

Yeah I know, not LW related but you guys are awesome in many ways beside 3D.


hope you're aware of the presentation standards for a screenplay by Hollywood.
Archaic.

djwaterman
09-29-2015, 04:27 AM
hope you're aware of the presentation standards for a screenplay by Hollywood.
Archaic.

Of course, but those standards don't apply in the forum. I'm just interested in the translation aspect here.

adk
09-29-2015, 04:50 AM
Sorry DJ but my Spanish is about as great as Basil's "un-dos-tres" :) I do hope someone here will chime in and help out.

nez
09-29-2015, 05:02 AM
Here comes God. ( seems fine )
Aquí viene Dios.
You take this all down, in a week, gone.
Usted toma todo esto abajo, en una semana, se ha ido. (here the traduction is literal, I don't know if he's referring to something that's to be seen onscreen, maybe is referring to something downstairs)
One year from now, it will be orbiting Saturn, with the
rings. ( seems as nice as it can be )
Durante un ano a partir de ahora, estara orbitando Saturno,
con los anillos.
That's better eh? (correct )
Eso es mejor eh?
Ah see it's your's. Mr Rock and Roll eh? ( Here it referes to a character "Sus" I don't know if it's Seuss or something like that. Anyhow it would be: Ah look, it's "sus" from Mr.rock and roll huh ? )
Ah Mira, es sus de. Sr. Rock and Roll eh?.
If you are God, it helps to be a little crazy.
Si tu eres Dios, ayuda a estar un poco loco. (this seems fine)

JCG
09-29-2015, 05:42 AM
Here comes God.
Aquí viene Dios.

You take this all down, in a week, gone.
Quiten todo esto, que en una semana no quede nada. (if you mean "take this all away, in a week it must all be gone")
Desarmen todo esto, que en una semana no quede nada. (if you mean "take this apart, in a week it must all be gone")
Lleven todo esto abajo, que en una semana no quede nada. (if you mean "take this below/downstairs, in a week it must all be gone")

One year from now, it will be orbiting Saturn, with the rings.
Dentro de un año, estará orbitando Saturno, con los anillos.

That's better eh?
Eso está mejor, no?

Ah see it's your's. Mr Rock and Roll eh?
Ah mirá, es tuyo. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (if he's from Cali or Medellín)
Ah mira, es tuyo. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (in the rest of Colombia)
Ah mire, es suyo. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (if he's not on a first-name basis with the interlocutor)

If you are God, it helps to be a little crazy.
Si vos sos Dios, ayuda estar un poco loco. (if he's from Cali or Medellín)
Si tu eres Dios, ayuda estar un poco loco.(in the rest of Colombia)
Cuando usted es Dios, ayuda estar un poco loco. (if he's not on a first-name basis with the interlocutor)
Cuando uno es Dios, ayuda estar un poco loco. (might be better if he's talking about himself being God and not about someone else being being God)

djwaterman
09-29-2015, 05:49 AM
Ah see it's your's. Mr Rock and Roll eh? ( Here it referes to a character "Sus" I don't know if it's Seuss or something like that. Anyhow it would be: Ah look, it's "sus" from Mr.rock and roll huh ? )
Ah Mira, es sus de. Sr. Rock and Roll eh?.
)

He's just taken off his jacket and given it to another man and is sort of saying,"see, it's your's..." as if to say, it fits you or it suits you, and then he adds "Mr Rock and Roll." as if to say that he looks cool in the jacket. The "Sus"
is what google translate spat out. Can you suggest how the first part of the line should go, where he says "See, it's yours."

Oh, and thanks for the help.

JCG
09-29-2015, 06:23 AM
Oh that expression doesn't really work in Spanish. Maybe:
Ah mirá qué bien te queda. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (ah look how well it suits you. Mr. Rock and Roll, eh?) (like before, mira for mirá outside if the paisa areas)
Ah mire qué bien le queda. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (if he didn't know the guy (well) or is socially inferior)
or
Ah mirá, te luce. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (ah look, it suits you. Mr. Rock and Roll, eh?)
Ah mire, le luce. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (if he didn't know the guy (well))

djwaterman
09-29-2015, 06:37 AM
Oh that expression doesn't really work in Spanish. Maybe:
Ah mirá qué bien te queda. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (ah look how well it suits you. Mr. Rock and Roll, eh?) (like before, mira for mirá outside if the paisa areas)
Ah mire qué bien le queda. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (if he didn't know the guy (well) or is socially inferior)
or
Ah mirá, te luce. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (ah look, it suits you. Mr. Rock and Roll, eh?)
Ah mire, le luce. El Sr. Rock and Roll, eh? (if he didn't know the guy (well))

In my country we have an expression, "you're a legend." Thanks a lot, this is perfect. Gracias.

nez
09-29-2015, 06:39 AM
ok. I think and audio file would help. A LOT. because you say they are colombians and they have they're own slangs. But the final and clean translate would be something between what says JCG and myself, something like:

Ah...see? It's yours! Mr.Rock&Roll...

The original phrase would be something like this : - Ah...ve? Es suya! Mr.rock&roll...

now it makes more sense.

djwaterman
09-29-2015, 06:42 AM
Hoo hoo, a wealth of options.